by Audrey Gold

Now I’m a classic American. I like my beer cold, my jeans blue, and also health care is probably a right. But I’m not here to be a “politician”. I don’t have an agenda. I like one thing. Candy. Candy is yummy. Yum yum in my tum tum and so on and so forth. 

I recently learned about an interesting American tradition called “the candy desk.” The candy desk is a desk on the floor of the U.S. Senate chambers full of— you guessed it— candy. 

Started in 1965 by California Senator George Murphy, the first candy in the aforementioned drawer was lozenges (presumed to be due to recent vocal cord surgery). And much like the stick of gum your friend found in his pocket during Sunday school, everybody wanted a piece of that candy. 

As stated by senate.gov “Any desk can become a candy desk, but to become “the” candy desk each Congress, the desk must be located on the Republican side of the Chamber, in the last row, on the aisle, and adjacent to the Chamber’s busiest entrance.”

Now I am a registered member of the Louisiana Democratic Party, but I have no problem switching sides. There are plenty of politicians who decide parties based on one issue, and that will be me. My issue is the candy drawer.

As this article is me officially announcing my run for office I want to answer some questions the Louisiana voter might have about values.

WHAT CANDY WILL YOU PUT IN THE DRAWER?

In modern years the tenants of the desk have gotten individually wrapped candies from their home states. I would get individually wrapped pralines and everyone would lose their mind because pralines are great. 

WHAT IF SOMEONE CAN’T EAT NUTS?

If you can’t combat a pecan and win, then no way you can combat terrorism. 

WHAT WILL I DO FOR THE FAILING ECONOMY?

I will infuse government funds to support Louisiana businesses like Laura’s Candies or Aunt Sally’s Creole Pralines

WHAT IF THEY PUT SOMEONE ELSE AT THE CANDY DESK?

Louisiana will secede. 

WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT CANDY DRAWERS?

As a child, I had a lot of energy and I was also fat so people didn’t give me all the candy I wanted. I would often pilfer small amounts of candy and save them for later. Taffy, jelly beans, loose chocolate chips. And anywhere could be a candy drawer. Under shelf, decorative box, pillow case still on pillow. If anyone has the right to contain candy for their country it is me. 

ARE PRALINES REALLY A CANDY?

Oh my god, shut up! My sister asked me this when I told her I was running for senate. I hung up the phone and kept her Hannukkah gift for myself.  It was a tea tree-scented candle. I hate the smell of tea tree. Too strong. But I burned that candle to the wick so she could never have it! So yes it is a candy. 

WILL OUR STREETS BECOME DRIVABLE?

Trickle-down economics clearly states that if you give me a candy drawer then I’ll give oil companies tax breaks. Then Louisiana residents can get hired by the oil companies and we can tax those residents to pay for the roads. That’s the only way it will work. No other way. 

CAN WE STILL HAVE MARDI GRAS?

Yes.

In conclusion, pretty please vote for me.

Paid for by the Exxon Mobil 

(not actually don’t sue us)