by Sarah Metz

Hello Sharks, my name is Sarah Metz. Today I am offering 50% of my company for a single ounce of attention.

Let me tell you a few things about myself. I’m 20 years old, and I’m from Los Angeles, California. I’m 5 ‘7, blonde (fake), green eyes, and women’s size 10 narrow shoes. 

Do I have hobbies? Oh boy, do I! To name a few, I am proficient in sewing, knitting, crocheting, printmaking, ceramics, metalsmithing, blacksmithing (they’re different!)… The list goes on and on! I have 7 years of babysitting experience under my belt, so I’m great with kids. I enjoy Italian food, walks in the snow, and saying hello to dogs on the street, hoping they will so much as wag their tails in my direction. 

Listen Sharks, I’m going to level with you. I will accept any morsel of attention you can give me. A graze of the arm. A pat on the shoulder. A brief moment of eye contact. Just give me a reminder I exist in the eyes of others. I cannot spend another day staring in the mirror, longing for someone to look at me with the same care and delicacy as the gaze of my own reflection. 

When I was a summer camp counselor, I had a 12 year old girl tell me she was going to help me “find a mate”. She could smell the desperation wafting off of me. The worst part? I was about to hear her out. If it weren’t for her making me uncomfortable by saying that my tits were my “greatest asset”, I would have been taking romantic advice from a sixth grader.  

What is my company, you ask? Well, lately I’ve been really into making hair bows out of duct tape. I’m getting good at it. I’ve only sold a couple so far, mostly to friends and colleagues, but I think it’s going somewhere. 

Okay, and with that,  I’m ready to hear your offers. 

Hello? 

Sharks? 

Lori? 

Have you guys been paying attention at all?  

Mark?

Mr. Wonderful?

Shit.