So, you found me. Woop-dee-do. No one ever has. Quite a feat to have tracked me down hiding in the only state without commercial flights… Delaware.

Why Delaware? Why my disappearance? Why the trash bags over the skylights? I fear if I don’t tell you now, the truth will never come out. I have a chance to finally right my wrongs.

See, you’ve never seen my face, but isn’t an artist’s work just as distinct? You don’t know my name, but I was with you on your middle school D.C. trip, your cousin’s destination wedding, and when you flew to Orlando to spread your Chihuahua’s ashes in Epcot – a little pile in every country so it’s like he got to see the whole world. I was there the whole time, right in front of your face. Yes, it was me. I designed the Airplane Safety Pamphlets.

And I know they’re boring. You look at Fig. 4 and wish you were the one nose diving into the Caribbean. You pray your life vest wasn’t replaced after the last airplane mishap – there’s been a lot of them lately and maybe you’ll get lucky. Maybe you’d even linger a little longer before securing a cartoon kid’s mask, just to test the limits of mankind’s perseverance, because anything— anything— would be better than sitting erect face-to-face with a beige laminated paper designed to bore you out of your fear of flying.

Designed to bore you out of your will to live.

But that’s not all. Those life rafts? Ran out. Enjoy rationing peanuts on Target unicorn pool floaties. Oxygen supply? Yeah right – there was helium left over from Employee Appreciation Week, so have a blast screaming for help with two-hundred chipmunks. And the seat belts are made out of licorice.
And I helped cover it up.

I know it sounds crazy. Like something out of a Reddit post. But really – these are true secrets that have torn me up from the inside ever since I parted ways with Airline Company. Gosh. It feels so good to be telling someone. Which publication did you say you were reporting for? The Daily Weekly Local Global Herald? Alright, sounds legit. Don’t even get me started on – wait – you dropped something. It looks like… a square napkin… with the outline of ginger ale perspiration… and a quote so corporate that it applies to both
everything and nothing at all… AND ELITE GOLD TRIM?! YOU’RE ONE OF THEM?! WHY ARE YOU – STOP – LET ME GO – THE TRUTH WILL PREVAIL!

Case #203924343 – Neutralized. Destroy file and all evidence.

by Willa Koster