by Riley Martin

Being in college can be hard, so we are counting down our top 10 places to hide from your roommate during a mental breakdown.

1) Sneak in a table with a long tablecloth and hide under it. 

This one works perfectly if you have the perfect table cloth. You can get my favorite here.

2) Curl up on the tiny closet floor 

My freshman year dorm had a pretty tiny closet, as do most college dorms. However, after trying my first mental breakdown on the three square feet of crusty closet floor next to my high school theater t-shirt from our production of Sweeny Todd, I never wanted to cry anywhere else.

3) Your deepest desk drawer 

This one is a given. I remember my first mental breakdown in the desk drawer. My great grandmother had just died and it was my first semester in college, so my roommate and I weren’t close yet. So, I quickly figured out that I could fit in my desk drawer. Really the only thing about this one is it’s hard to roll yourself back out.

4) Say you’re practicing a performance piece 

There are two keys to pulling this off. The first is being an arts major so it makes sense. The next is full on sobbing to make it believable. Personally, I like to add in my own flavor by incorporating some Keening. This is a throaty noise commonly used in traditional Irish periods of mourning, which makes me feel both a whole lot better and very connected to the motherland.

5) Put a cardboard cutout of you up and hide behind it while you cry 

Okay I know it’s a long shot, but I tried this after my dad died freshman year and it totally worked! My roommate just carried on and even invited a few friends over because it was so convincing! In fact, the cardboard version of me had a pretty epic time and won three games of cards against humanity! Go cardboard me!

6) Jump from your dorm window to a tree

At first, I used this as a last ditch effort but then I realized that crying in trees makes me feel so very grounded and connected to the earth. Jumping from the ninth floor window was pretty frightening but the huge evergreen in front of me calmed my nerves. I have often been compared to a spider monkey, so I felt confident in my ability to grasp the branches with my toes.

7) Make friends with the squirrels in the trees 

The first time I jumped into a tree to cry, I met a squirrel named Eugene. After a long while of talking, he told me about the issues within the squirrel political system which really put everything into perspective. Suddenly, the deaths of my great grandmother, grandmother, father, and brother didn’t seem so bad compared to what Eugene the Squirrel was going through. According to him, there had been unrest within the Squirrelly Kingdom because their queen refused to listen to the wants of the people. She was a harsh ruler who only cared about herself and keeping her status. Eugene said he had asked her for a single acorn to feed his family but after she talked to her counsel of rich squirrels she denied his request. His wife and children all died in a single winter. 

8) Request an audience with the squirrel queen

I decided to request an audience with the squirrel queen to talk about the issues within her kingdom. I was the only hope left for the good squirrel kingdom. I knew at its essence the squirrel kingdom was wonderful, and had just been corrupted by politicians who only cared about money and maintaining their positions of power. 

9) Kill the squirrel queen

During my audience with the squirrel queen, she refused to listen to anything I was saying. Instead, she watched me beg for squirrel rights for the poor squirrels and laughed with her aristocrat friends. Finally, I decided that if she would not listen she did not deserve to live.  I was much bigger than her because she was a squirrel so my revolution was a very quick one. Although, I will admit it got to be a tad difficult once the squirrel soldiers caught wind of the disruption and sought vengeance for their queen.

10) Turn the squirrel kingdom into a democracy

After the death of the squirrel queen, the kingdom was left in disarray. Luckily, I am a human and could look to the American government for guidance. Therefore, I decided to run for squirrel president. Now, I can have breakdowns in trees whenever I’d like because that is my domain.