MURDOCH ISLAND – Twenty-seven years after founding Fox News, Rupert Murdoch decided this past Wednesday to officially pass on his position after a reflective pilgrimage made him realize his true passion in life: hunting the underprivileged.

This decision comes as a shock to many, with Murdoch moving his assets away from previous financial resources and lobbying efforts to instead focus on funding more humanitarian causes within his recently built island hunting compound.

“I realized all the honest news work just wasn’t enough to help improve the lives of the working class,” said Murdoch after staring down a rifle scope and maiming what appeared to be a former Burger King worker crawling back into the bushes of Murdoch’s island compound. “And as you can see, I’m still not doing enough. That poor soul will be in agony until I really get off my ass and learn how to deliver a killing blow.” After efficient patchwork from a Red Cross volunteer, Murdoch was able to perfectly execute his second chance.

While the hunted were given a period of rest to celebrate Veteran’s Day appropriately, a tour was given of the facilities to potential workers. Designed by renowned American architect Jeanne Gang, the main compound area was built purposely to inspire a sense of togetherness for the workers, yet still appropriately punishing the underprivileged in their attempts to escape.

Recognized by the LEED (Leadership in Energy and Environmental Design) Silver Award, the building also touts three nuclear reactors, all avian-friendly window designs, and an array of mirrors that quadruple the output of the solar panel roof while still allowing Murdoch to eliminate particularly frustrating underprivileged through a remote that redirects solar glare.

Yet the major highlight of the tour for many was the mess hall, offering a dazzling array of free, fresh food to the workers. The hall continues the compound’s pledge to be ecologically sustainable by having all food waste directly go towards feeding those in the pit, affectionately referred to by Murdoch as “the underlings”.

“I’ve just never seen philanthropy truly cause significant change in the world,” remarked Larry Bakersfield, a compound worker remarked while carving a rendering of Murdoch’s face onto an underling’s back. “I guess I’m just happy I was able to be – stop! Stop screaming. I’m in the middle of something here, Paul. No, no anesthesia! Fine! Fine, if it will shut you up. Sorry about that. Murdoch pointed out to me when they’re purposefully kept awake, they enter the game more alert and jumpy! But what were we talking about? Oh yeah, I’m just happy Murdoch has given me a place to really help people find purpose in their lives.”

Bakersfield stated that his former job as a pediatrician really restricted him from giving fulfillment to others, a technique which Murdoch has taught him a lot about.

“I just feel like I’m actually learning in a community again, the first time since college,”remarked Bakersfield, “I mean I’ve completely sobered up now after realizing how slow anesthesia causes the hunted to run. It’s frankly embarrassing. Through Ruppy’s program, I have truly realized how much of a harm drugs can do to your body.”

While Murdoch will have to close the project by year’s end due to patent lawsuits and other funding issues, he only hopes this project can live in the minds of the people as a golden example for soup kitchens and similar lesser enterprises to strive towards.

By Connor Snow

Note from the editor: this is so so so satire guys please