by Isha Pati

THE SWAMP— The Environmental Protection Agency issued a statement Tuesday afternoon warning Americans to avoid all swamps, marshland, and brackish water after dark, lest they fall victim to the charms of the malevolent Swamp Witch who rises each month from the bog by the light of the gibbous moon. 

Following a study investigating the recent series of disasters stemming from innocent passersby striking seemingly fair deals with the infamous lady of the bog, researchers concluded that entering into one of the Swamp Witch’s agreements has an almost 100% risk of selective organ loss. The team emphasized that though the Swamp Witch may tempt with fortune, renown, and acclaim beyond one’s wildest imagination, it is against advisement by the federal government to strike deals with this dangerous individual while the gibbous moon shines.

“You’ll really want to stay out of wetlands of any kind when the moon is mostly but not all the way full,” commented EPA researchers who spent months sloshing through the quagmire in pursuit of the sly and elusive witch, “The Swamp Witch will entice you with an offer you can’t refuse and when your guard is down she will eat your left kidney.” 

“While not necessarily fatal,” EPA officials warn, “having one kidney is significantly worse for your health than having two.”

Denise Warren of Sarasota, Florida wished for nothing more than to make a name for herself as a veritable Hollywood actress. After a nighttime soul-search through the everglades, the Swamp Witch— who Warren believed to be a percocet-induced hallucination— coerced from her a signature on the ancient silk scroll that can be damaged by neither beast nor flame. What Denise didn’t know as she signed a contract with FOX was that she had signed away her left kidney to the Swamp Witch, the maligned and spiteful lady of the bog.

Two anonymous youths who wandered deep into the thicket called upon Swamp Witch in her vine-covered hut, asking for one million V-Bucks between the two of them. Seconds after the in-game currency was transferred to the children’s Fortnite accounts, each of their left kidneys were supernaturally purloined from their bodies, an affliction which neither charms, tinctures, nor ritual bloodletting have proved successful in reversing. 

“My husband and I were facing fertility issues so I turned to the Swamp Witch as a last resort,” says Alyssa Mendez, woman affected by the Witch’s Curse, “She called upon the dark spirits and granted us a child but she did steal and eat my left kidney, which, you know, didn’t kill me, but is definitely a major inconvenience.” 

“I want to say I don’t think all this government advisement is necessarily the right thing,” Mendez added, “I don’t think it’s a bad thing to cast a blood spell to call upon the Swamp Witch, because she really can give you anything you want as long as you’re not particularly attached to your left kidney.”

Reporters reached out for comment from the Swamp Witch, but couldn’t make out a response due to the multiple stolen left kidneys crowding her mouth.