by: Cully Jacobson

“What would you do if you were given access to a time machine?” A classic hypothetical. Many have pondered this query, and generations beyond today will continue to ponder, as time travel is impossible. For now. Time will tell. But until then, this personal dilemma will continue to stay just as it is. Hypothetical.

So today, my students, I will pass this question unto thee. What would YOU do if you had a time machine? Some of you might seek knowledge from ancient civilizations. Some may prevent history’s great tragedies. And some may go see your great grandma when she was young, yes we know, she was a baddie back then. But those answers are simply elementary. Think BIGGER! If you had the power to change the course of human history, why do it to make the world a better place?

Indeed. I said it. When given a power as mighty as a TIME TRAVEL, why use it for reasons as boring as education and the betterment of humankind? Why not have some fun with it? You could live out your fantasies of being a mobster working for Al Capone. You could tame dinosaurs and rule the Mesozoic Era. Or, you could make your favorite animal into a world wide, huggy, cuddly, fuzzy-wuzzy house pet.

That’s correct, the title did not mislead you! If I had the power to go back in time, I would have early humans domesticate bears instead of cats. It is just as it sounds. What purpose do we have for cats? What would we gain from the companionship of bears? All will be answered.

Why must cats be the replacement of bears? Good question. That would be because I dislike cats. My time machine, remember? If you want to keep cats with yours go ahead, but for now, this is MY timeline, and cats will remain in the wild where they belong.

I say this because cats are, to put it bluntly, evil. They represent cunning chaos, feline ferocity, mewing maliciousness, purring peril, I could go on forever. Don’t let their soft paws and cute faces distract you from what they really are, terrorists.

This is the driving point of my thesis. Cats are evil, and they are properly represented as such in ALL forms of media. Scar, Azrael from The Smurfs, Kid Vs. Kat, Mr. Tinkles from Cats & Dogs, Snowbell in Stuart Little, the Cat in Cinderella that’s quite literally named Lucifer! Even the cats that are not absolutely devious, are giant fucking assholes. Alice would have made it out of wonderland in a quarter of the time if not for the Cheshire Cat. And don’t even get me started on Jonesy, the cat from Alien. All those astronauts cared for him as if he were one of them, and how does he repay them? He simply watches as all of them get torn to shreds, he didn’t even TRY to save them.

Now think of how bears are represented. AS GODDAMNED HEROES. Baloo, Smokey, Winnie the Pooh, The three bears from We Bare Bears, Care Bears, Boog, The Berenstain Bears, Po, Kuma, Fozzie, PADDINGTON. Even the ones that aren’t outright heroes, have good hearts. Sure, Yogi Bear wants to steal people’s lunches, but he’s charming and funny, plus he has Boo-Boo to feed. Sure, Ted is quite the crass little teddy bear, but he’s a loyal best friend. Sure, Freddie Fazbear wants to murder you and stuff your dead corpse into a suit, but he’s the soul of a murdered child that ultimately wants justice on the serial killer that was known for luring children into death traps. If all cats represent the maliciousness in the world, then all bears represent kindness, loyalty, justice, and peace.

Are these not qualities that make for a lifelong companionship? One that would even challenge that of DOGS? I think so. Imagine how many problems would get solved if everyone had a friendly bear. Need to reduce your carbon footprint? Ride your bear to work. Scared to go out at night? Fret not, no creep can best a bear in combat. Depression? Gone when your fuzzy best friend gives you a suffocating hug. Can cats accomplish any of these?

“But then what will people who don’t want that active of an animal do?” I hear your concerns. But, if you cat owners still want a pet, then get a panda. Pandas do nothing but eat, fall all the time, and sleep. It is literally a cat but as a bear. Plus you’d be doing it a favor, if not for humans pandas would be naturally selected to go extinct. Cats do just fine in the wild. Scratch that, they are apex predators, they RUN the wild. 

Additionally, how many people are allergic to cats? Everyone ever. How many people are allergic to bears? Precisely. None. That’s it for this point, there are no fallacies.

For my closing statements, I have a few facts to share. It was proven that bears have a sense of beauty, while cats enjoy pushing things off ledges. Bears have cute round ears, while cats ears are sharp and scary. Bears have soft fur to cuddle with, when cats cuddle they retract their claws! Bears are proactive, they stand in the river and catch fish themselves, while cats are lazy and only eat fish when they are presented with it. All of these are facts. So face the facts, students, and wake up to the reality that could have been.

So when the time finally comes and the world’s first time machine is created. Don’t be surprised when you wake up, sleeping on the soft fur of your domesticated, giant, grizzly bear. But be honest with yourself, would that really be so bad?