by Isha Pati
It all started when my grandpappy left the old country with nothing but tattered garments and an ill-willed forest viper named Abilene who would eventually be the cause of Grandpap’s mysterious disappearance— but we’re here to talk about the most important thing he brought with him: this recipe for lasagna. Perfect for a weeknight!
The year: 1938. At a time when Italy was draped in winter’s grasp and history’s gaze was fixed elsewhere, my grandpappy defied tradition, layering meat, cheese, and pasta in a daring vertical construct.
“Food should be horizontal, Lorenzo!” the locals would shout as they beat him with sticks, just because he was a culinary visionary. Still his vision remained unshaken, even while on the lam from the Carabinieri’s Pasta Force. Armed with his cunning, his lasagna recipe, and his maligned pet snake, he sought refuge in the United States.
Grandpappy started selling the lasagna out of a small street cart he parked outside of Central Park and he soon, with the help of his business partner and serpentine confidante Abilene, became a restaurant tycoon the likes of which this country had never seen before. Due to creative differences, Abilene and my grandpappy had a falling out, which Abilene did not take in stride but rather took in slither. Every part of this story is vitally necessary to the creation of this lasagna.
Abilene, the snake (not to profile him or anything), sought to steal my grandpappy’s recipe— the only problem was that he could not use the recipe as he did not know how to read. Abilene was driven mad by his inability to decipher the lasagna recipe.
His quest for understanding led him to a linguistics professor versed in serpent lore as well as Evil Wizard Arts. After months of arduous study, Abilene finally decoded the recipe by hexing himself into a human.
If you don’t understand this story there is no way that you could possibly comprehend the steps that it takes to make this lasagna.
By this time, the restaurant was a hit, despite grandpappy having to build it out of popsicle sticks and tape. He had been running the restaurant successfully for enough time to garner significant attention from the media, and then from Italian authorities who were still searching for the man who sandwiched pasta.
On the night Abilene returned, the restaurant was raided— but before they could take Grandpappy he disappeared in a cloud of oregano, leaving only a cryptic note behind: “ABILENE DID THIS. AVENGE ME.”
Abilene, now a man by way of dark magic, inherited the restaurant and recipe— and my Grandpap’s story has been obscured by history’s veil. Yet I offer this recipe in homage to his final wish:
Grandpappy’s recipe calls for tomatoes, which are large red balls of water and goop that grow on bushes you have to put in jail. Blend these into a sauce if you dare. You will also need ground beef, lasagna noodles, of course, and ricotta, which no one has been ever able to figure out as it was brought into this world through dark dairy magic.
In order to make the lasagna, you will need to assemble a sort of pasta-based Big Mac with the ingredients listed above, and then place this stack in the oven, which is a hot place that kills you (if you are not lasagna).
FAQs:
Q: How long does the lasagna need to bake?
Grandpappy’s voice will come to you and you will know.
Q: No but actually—
You will know.
Q: Can you freeze the lasagna to store it?
My grandpappy did not swim his way from the old country for you to ask that question. This is America. You can do whatever you want.
Q: What if I don’t have ricotta?
Consult the elders.
Q: I feel a strange presence in my kitchen. What do I do?
If you feel a strange presence while making this lasagna, don’t be alarmed. It’s only Grandpappy’s spirit ensuring you layered everything correctly. Just keep making the lasagna and nothing bad will happen probably.
Q: Do I have to make this recipe?
Of course you do.
Q: There’s no way your grandpappy invented lasagna…
YES HE DID.
If you are still reading I need you to go to your nearest 7/11 and ask for “the special.” The cashier will know what you mean. They will then take you to a man who, if paid the proper price, can provide you Abilene’s location as well as the serum which can turn him back into a snake, and due to the short lifespan of the common forest viper, kill him. Do this for grandpappy and do this for justice lest your lasagnas be soggy for the rest of time.
With that said, here’s what you’ve all been waiting for!
My Grandpappy’s Famous Lasagna Recipe:
Step #1:
Make the lasagna.
I hope this helped!
Leave a Reply