Okay Amphibians, You Can’t Love Being Wet And Dry

By Biologist Jacob Patterson

I’m sorry amphibians, but you sound absolutely ridiculous when you claim that you love being in the water and on dry land equally. I would think after a few billion years you would realize your mistakes, but since you are still playing games I’ve come to deliver you the truth.

I know this may come off as “rude” or not “politically correct”, but I am only speaking on behalf of knowing that there is no way that you can live and enjoy these two separate planes of existence at the same time. I apologize if this is brutal confrontation, but I am only speaking through an infallible system called logic. Heard of it? I thought you might. Now is it true that I like swimming? Yes. I enjoy swimming a lot. I love the freeing sensation of feeling weightless in a way that I can never truly experience due to the overwhelming stress of gravity combined with the struggles of the modern day’s rise-and-grind.

Swimming is something neat to do, but not something I should be indulging as much as walking. So, do I love being coated in liquid more than dry land? Frankly not. This is because I know my place is on dry land. My legs were made in the image of God for walking around, not for prancing through the water like an imbecile. See that there? That’s knowing your place. After years of careful observation, and my own experience, I can say that there is just absolutely no way in which each of your existences is preferred equally. I have been taking careful notes on every creature who claims itself as an “amphi” – from frogs to newts – and have concluded that the levels of satisfaction seem are differing drastically between land and water.

So, my question is thus: Why do you put yourself through such torturous lives when you can just spend your time comfortably enjoying the one place you know you’re supposed to be?

My Body is Oily

By Harold Newt

I’m sorry, oops, I just really do like the wetness on my skin as much as the unwetness.

That’s my bad. I just have a really oily body and it’s kinda hard to regulate, oops. Gosh, it’s just so oily. Oops, do I have to tip you for delivering the truth? I don’t have pockets so, I can’t, sorry.

Oh, oops, no you’re good, sorry. My hands keep slipping on the keys! Oops. And don’t worry, cause well, I should be the one apologizing, because the next person who is going to type on this keyboard their hands might become oily too, and that’s my bad oops. And yeah, sorry, yeah logic is cool.

That’s cool dude, yeah, I like swimming too, yeah. I like how my body feels less oily than before, that’s cool yeah. And the gravity thing too is kinda rough, yeah, that’s why I like swimming too. It’s just my body is just producing a lot of oil right now, oops, so I was just thinking about the oil thing before the gravity, y’know?

Oops, sorry this where I disagree, oops. Yeah, I don’t like being oily sometimes, but I like being coated in oil on dry land, sorry. And yeah, I guess the legs I have created by God suggest that I should be in water, yeah, but also why would my body be so oily then, y’know?

Oops! I’m just very oily right now, so I’m thinking about the oil, sorry.

Oh yeah, sorry I gotta disagree here too, oops. Yeah, that’s not cool that you’re stalking dudes like that man, sorry oops. And taking notes too, yeah, that’s not great or cool, y’know?

Oops, sorry I gotta point out also that I’m just an amphibian dude, sorry. Like if you feel my body its oily, like incredibly oily like an amphibian and I don’t know how to fix it except if I go in the water sometimes and then also dry out on land when I am oily, y’know? Yeah, sorry.

Really cool question, yeah! Sorry, I have a good answer, but its long though, oops. And just the keyboard is so oiled up now. I feel bad, y’know? Oops, yeah, I gotta go dunk this in water or something, oops. It’s just so oily now, like drenched in oil. Yeah, sorry, that’s my bad.

Written by Connor Snow