By: (if i put my name on this will I be killed?)

The following is a ranking of the songs in the new Billie Eilish Album Hit Me Hard And Soft. These thoughts are carefully calculated and researched, so I’m not open to criticism because all of what I’m about to say is completely correct.

#10. BITTERSUITE

• Song started off good, almost reminded me of an Arianta Grante song. And I liked the lyricism at the top 
• There is a part of the beginning that reminds me of Shine Bright Like a Diamond, and if you know you know
• Then they come in with this random ass, circus ass beat. I feel freakshow, American Horror Story season 4. I feel like this beat should be playing in the background of those “DVD” wait for the logo to hit the corner videos. 
• “You seemed so paralyzed, it’s so romanticized” what the fuck does that even mean Ms. Eilish
• Some Christian mother is out there screaming “WHY IS SHE SO QUIET?! She’s whispering devil worship phrases.” and here’s the thing, I can’t fully say she’s not. 

RATING: 4.5/10

#9. LUNCH

• Sorry to the lesbians, this song is just kinda whatever. Billie Eilish came out and everyone went crazy… are we seriously saying we didn’t see this coming.
• This song is just kinda whatever and has some weird western, noon duel guitar strumming in the back, mixed with a pop drum and Finneas playing like 3 notes on a piano
• “Need a chair, I’ll volunteer” y’all this is not lyricism, this it an overused tik tok comment
• I also cannot listen to this song in the car with my mother, why you fucking on the track Ms. Eilish

RANKING: 5/10

#8. THE DINER

• Someone turn up this girl’s voice, please.
• I stg I have no idea what she is saying, so I can’t even tell you if it’s good
• Billie Eilish you know damn well you don’t attend the diner, that being said if she were to go to the diner, I have a feeling she’d order some crazy shit like salmon, idk just the vibe I get. Is that mean? Idc it’s true.
• I can’t even say something about this song because I DON’T KNOW WHAT SHE SAID and the lyrics are not available on spotify yet.

RATING: 5.5/10

#7. L’AMOURE DE MA VIE

• Laufey ass voice tonation
• This song isn’t that bad, this is where the album starts to turn from mid to pretty good.
• SHE SAYS OUT LOUD BUM BUM BUM DURING THE DRUM BREAKDOWN ARE WE BEING SO FR RIGHT NOW!!! Can we please for a moment be for real? 
• So the song ends with 2.5 minutes left, I wonder what’s about to happen, I’m sure it won’t be reminiscent of her most widely disliked song “8” and then turn weirdly into hyperpop with some weird stranger things ass beat, because that would be crazy right?
• GUYS I HAVE SOME BAD NEWS!!!! 
• I could see Eleven dancing in that weird tub with a lil eggo wrapped in a paper towel fucking it up to this back half of the song. Listen to it, imagine it, tell me I’m wrong.

RATING: 6/10

#6. CHIHIRO

• HOW MANY WORDS RHYME WITH DOOR CHALLENGE
• I actually like this song, I like the “me” part, that’s fun. I feel like I’m in one of those cool tuber water slides that have lights that change colors.
• STRANGER THINGS IS BACK
• But Finneas can we please turn down the 80’s royalty free escalation reverbed and slowed so I can hear what Billie is screaming about back there
• “When you told me you were serious, were you serious” I hate this line, it makes me mad, who knows why?
• Door, before, more, war, store, sure (6 rhymes!) 

RATING: 6/10

#5. BIRDS OF A FEATHER

• Idk how I feel completely about this song yet, but I did a lil dance when I first heard it.
• This feels like it was made for playing in an old navy or as the backing track for some stupid beach scene in a Netflix coming of age movie
• I like the “til the day that I die” part, it’s pretty
• The lil “huh”s between lines are literally so funny, please go listen to the second verse, I just noticed and it’s really funny
• Musical theater girls, this might be the pop “She Used to Be Mine”, get open those rep books!
• Belt bitch ig. 

RATING: 7/10

#4. WILDFLOWER

• This has nothing to do with the song, but Finneas the kind of guy to see a guitar in a room and pick it up, but he’s not performing like guitar guys do, he’s kinda just strumming quietly in a corner. Like the type of person who likes to play, and wants to show that they can play but like everyone kind of expects them to already be good because they do it for a living. So he can’t just show it, he has to be shy about it until someone comes over and asks him to play something, to which he will respond “oh I was just fiddling around”. 
• Anyways, I really like the song.  
• But the ending little bit showcases exactly what I’m talking about above

RATING: 7.5/10

#3. SKINNY

• Me, skinny?!?! Noooooo. 
• This song actually is so painfully accurate and I think I might punch a hole in some drywall
• This song either makes me want to paint a beautiful picture expressing the beauty of youth and aging in all forms or kill myself, I haven’t decided the vibe yet. 
• “I loved you for so long” straight into a fucking STRING QUARTET, I thought I was dramatic. 
• But you know what, yes I did love you for so long and how dare you make fun of my string quartet. 
• I think I figured out the vibe is kill myself. 

RATING: 8/10

#2. BLUE

• I actually think these lyrics are corny as hell, but come on, your hips are literally moving in your seats right now. 
• Sorry for me getting actually critical of music right now but I do like that Billie has created this brand for herself that the last song of each of her albums are an encapsulation of everything she’s said and felt throughout the songs. Okay back to it. 
• GUYS THE MIDDLE PART IS ACTUALLY CRAZY.  It’s scary, I don’t like the lowered voice. Stop this, why is it sexy and scary? I’m so confused.
• I haven’t felt this way since I watched the first scream and saw Matthew Lillard covered in blood stand up and hold up the little talk box. 
• The end beat feels so familiar, it feels like those videos of people making beats with those little light up squares (do you know what I’m talking about?)
• The violins are in fact back, and they do heal all. 

RATING 9/10

#1. THE GREATEST

• The better the songs get, the harder it is to make fun of them because they’re just that good.
• It was extremely disrespectful of her to put cameras around my house 4 years ago and write a song about me and my ex. Like okay, like I get that it was crazy, but I do think I deserve some type of compensation.
• You can argue this song is like Happier Than Ever pt.2 and to those who say that, um yeah, and what about it? Did you like Happier Than Ever? Cause I know you did. Be grateful.
• SCREAM SCREAM SCREAM!!!! I LOVE SCREAM!
• “JUST WANTED PASSION FROM YOU, JUST WANTED WHAT I GAVE YOU, I WAITED, I WAIIIIIIITEEEEEDDDD”
• Everyone stfu “The Greatest” is on, I have to go to my bedroom from senior year of high school and scream cry while sitting in front of a full sized mirror. 

RATING: 9.75/10

AUTHOR’S NOTE:

My mom texted our family group chat after listening to this album the following text message. 

“Girls, the new Billie album is so gay and sad, you guys would love it.”