by Isha Pati

CHICAGO, IL— Late last Thursday a search team was dispatched with the goal of locating Gary Mitchell, a tourist who accidentally spotted the monster that lurks in the depths of Lake Michigan, and eliminating the target before the secret can get out.

The manhunt comes after over a century of extensive and thorough measures taken to conceal the existence of the Chicago Lake Monster (affectionately known as “Michy”), all of which were foiled when a drunken Indiana tourist fell off of Navy Pier and was saved from drowning by Michy, pushing him with her nose all the way to the surface. The tourist subsequently threatened to go public and has since disappeared.

“If the wrong people find Michy they’ll kill her,” says cryptozoologist Brian Malone, “That’s why we’ve got to find this guy first.”

The Lincoln Park Zoo’s secret Michy department has been working for years to prove that this Lake “Monster” is anything but, collecting extensive evidence of Michy’s various acts of benevolence throughout the years. At secret Chicago-only press time, Malone listed a few.

“She singlefinnedly splashed around the amount of lake water that was necessary to put out the Great Chicago Fire, she bartered with a sea witch to get our Cubs the 2016 World Series, she and she saved my marriage,” he said, wiping joyous tears from his eyes, “She’s just such a beautiful soul.”

Chicago native Maria Horowitz said this to press:

Yeah, I guess there’s just been like this understanding that we can’t tell anyone else about Michy because they might take her away. I like the girl. She brought me an unopened PBR from the bottom of the lake once.

When asked for comment, the Mayor’s Office declined, which, good, because it was a test. Michy’s safety must be ensured, therefore any and all threats to her secrecy must be located and destroyed. Gary Mitchell, this city will find you and this city will feed you to the 200-foot-long monster that’s lived in our lake longer than man has roamed this Earth.

By the way don’t tell anyone about this article shhhhhhhh